21 June 2010

Serious need for re-branding, people.

So it looks like Shauners should get to come home tomorrow, late morning or early afternoon. We'll meet with doctors and set up appointments to start his cardiac rehab regimen. In the meantime, the nurses dropped off a packet of information for us to peruse to better understand what we're dealing with.

You know what it's titled?

Heart Failure Packet.

Fun, right? What the hell? All kinds of other diseases get fancy names (see: chilbain, dropsy, scarlet fever, whooping cough), but this is the best they can come up with? Let's call it Jeanette, or Tha-Thump, Tha-Thump, or even Heart Sickness Packet. Heart Failure Packet just sounds so...so...much like a lost cause.

But wait, it gets better. The inside of the Heart Failure Packet includes fascinating pamphlets like "Living Well with Heart Failure," and "A Stronger Pump" with a cartoon of a heart flexing a....bicep. What? Oh, and the paperwork to create a living will.

I understand. Things are very serious. But, um, Meritcare, maybe include...I dunno, a few pretty stickers? Some semblance of hope? Perhaps a free t-shirt that says "I'm Successful at Heart Failure!"

We have to cut out salt. Do you know what has the most salt? Foods that taste good. Everything made by every fast-food company everywhere. My mother's homemade bean and ham soup. Frickin' milkshakes!

I'm looking forward to Shaun coming home, and I'm giving all our salt-laden food away. And if Meritcare needs advice on sprucing up their Jeanette Packet, I'm all over it.

Thanks for the love, guys. It means the world to us.

Saltily yours,
J, $, and V


Dave, Jen, Zoe, and Lily said...

Just want you to know you are in our thoughts and prayers as you struggle through this time. Having just gone through something very different but also life altering, I can say it certainly changes the way you view life and what you do and don't take for granted. Hang in there... Can you have one of those weird salt substitutes? What are they made of anyway?

Charlotte said...

I know this isn't an issue to joke about (my dad had heart problems) but a t-shirt that says "I'm successful at heart failure" ...?...BAHAHAHAHAHA, THAT was funny!!

Shirley said...

You should probably thank Shaun for giving you a lot of material for honing your writing skills! You know a book is going to come out of this.

Megan said...

So, because I've also got loads of family with heart-related issues, I have to wonder, are we talking congestive heart failure? Geez...what a crappy turn of events, regardless of the diagnosis. I hope things improve for you dramatically very soon.

Sara said...

Melvin says I am awesome at making bland food, so maybe I should come by and whip up something for ya'll. I can also provide entertainment-I am teaching three summer speech courses. Well wishes and let me know if ya need anything :) So happy to hear all is going better. P.S. My security word to post this message is "funterms". Did Meritcare plan that?