20 June 2010

Father's Day

Shaun is sick. He had pneumonia about ten days ago, and still wasn't feeling better yesterday. The doctor at yesterday's walk-in said "Well your heart is enlarged..." as if he should have known that. We didn't. Shaun was admitted to the hospital last night around 6:30.

Cardiomyopathy. Do not look at any links I don't put here, people. The internet is a terrifying place.

When I was 12, and my dad had the stroke, I remember the distinct feeling that nothing would ever be the same. I got pissed off at Connie Chung for prattling on about celebrity news. I feel that way now (except for the Connie Chung part). It's not an especially fair analogy, but still I am trying not to hyperventilate.

It's been a hard year for us. A terrible year. We decided to have a second baby this winter, which drove us straight to marriage counselling this spring, trying to remember why we loved each other, and whether or not we could figure things out. Just this month, we both started to feel again that maybe we could work through this, that we could actually still make a life together.

Now he's in the hospital, and it's father's day, and I'm trying not to freak out. I want to call someone, someone who will tell me this will be okay. I want to call the Mayo Clinic. I want to shake the doctor who read Shaun's x-ray last week, who didn't tell us/notice/mention that his heart was already enlarged. I want someone to fix this. I want my husband, and I want V to have her father, for a long, long time.

"I don't want anything for Father's Day," he said last week. "It just reminds me how I'm not a father of two like you wanted me to be." My sweet holy moses, man. You are above and beyond the father I wanted you to be, and you have been since September 7, 2005. I don't need a second baby. I need you, and me, and her, as healthy as we can be, together for as long as we can make it.

I want our old life back. I don't think it will ever be the same.

(Edited to add: Shaun's feeling pretty good right now, just a little short of breath. We haven't met with the cardiology team yet, and don't know much at all about what our future will hold. I don't want to scare anyone unnecessarily: I'm busy doing that to myself.)


Joseph said...

that is crappy news. I want you two to know we're sending good thoughts your way and if there is anything you'd like us to do, let us know.
With love,
Joe and Craig.

Anonymous said...

This made me cry. I am so sorry you are going through this. We are sending lots of love your way. If we can send anything else, do let us know. - Meagan & Phil

Mink*e said...

I am so sorry, Jen. Sending lots of love your way, and hoping that Shaun's condition gets under control and the year ahead has a lot more joy.

Shirley said...

We are sending our best thoughts and energy your way, Jen; hang in there. Sometimes things actually do get better!! Call anytime if talking would help.


Jenn said...

Our thoughts are with you, Chickadee.

Megan said...

Goodness. I take a few day break from your blog and look what happens. I am so sorry for the chaos you're dealing with right now, and hope Shaun recovers quickly.