28 February 2010

Why Squirrels Are Not Our Friends

Truly devoted readers will recognize the following rant from the second issue of Languishing (the old school version, in paper form) EVER PRINTED, ca. 1995. The photos are new, from a recent weekend at the in-laws.

Many of you, dear readers, spend time on college campuses, where for some reason squirrels tend to be more plentiful than in other places. This article is vital for you: for you and your loved ones' safety, read on.

Squirrels are wild animals. They pretend they're not, but they are. People even build them little chairs which they nail to trees and set corn cobs on. As if giving them their own furniture will keep them from chewing out the baby's eyes if you give them a chance.

Squirrels have eyes on the sides of their heads, and they will sit and watch college students on both sides of them all day long. They are actually really really bitter that students are always walking on their lawn and sidewalks. It's only a matter of time before they snap and invade our dorms and classrooms. I will not be responsible for the ensuing carnage. You have all been warned.Squirrels have big sharp teeth and jaws built to gnaw. Just think of how many squirrels have come dangerously close to your ankles. Need I say more? Well, I will.

Squirrels are rodents. Rodents will eat their young. And that is just not right.

Now, I'm not saying we should annihilate squirrels. I'm just saying we need to be more careful. Don't feed squirrels. They just want to gain your trust: it's just a matter of time before they move from their chair on the tree to your LaZBoy. Protect yourself. Wear thick socks all the time. Walk fast, or better, run or skip.

And never, ever, fall asleep outside. It's just not safe, I tell you.

3 comments:

The Arffs said...

LOL...wish I could see people skipping around college campuses everywhere!

christine said...

I needed a good laugh!!!! Thanks!

The Arffs said...

I just realized your hubs has an xbox blog. I should show it to mine as he has a serious gaming addiction. I rue the day I bought him that thing....ok, not really. I think it's kind of cute actually. And I keep getting him new games so I shouldn't complain. Anyway, just thought I'd share that thought ;)